- By LaTonya Kilgo
As a military family with school age children, we, like most military families, have had our share of transitions. We have come to understand that through these transitions we learn how to become [dare I say it] resilient, even if we are unaware. My children are learning to accept change – a little more readily, they are learning to say good-bye – a little more gracefully, they are open to new experiences – a bit easier than most, they are learning to welcome that which is different and unfamiliar - a bit easier than others, they are learning that not everything is going to go as planned and how to react when those instances occur. In March of 2020, as we were faced with the onset of the news of a global pandemic; it was such a perplexing time, filled with uncertainty and lack of information. Just how would we/they respond to such an intense transition from how things around them were, to what they were becoming in our lives?
Military life has been equally wonderful and challenging, full of interesting people and experiences interwoven into it all. It is also fraught with ambiguity at times. In an effort to balance that ambiguity, structure on a scale of one to ten is a solid (9) nine in my life. Structure allows me to feel and think that I am in control, even when it is evident that I am not. The pandemic would challenge that sense of structure and control more than we could have imagined. However, as any self-reliant military spouse would do, I went into action mode during this time frame. I had a plan… A plan that required precision execution in order that no one missed a beat, or fell behind, or felt as if there were something wrong. A plan that was in actuality, too ambitious to sustain even after only eight weeks of being “ALL IN”. Developing the plan, executing the plan, being the alarm clock, the sous-chef of three hot meals a day and snacks for growing teens, activity coordinator, teacher, baker, and homemaker with absolutely no outlet. It was utterly exhausting, but I felt like I was in control.
When it became certain that the children were not going to return to school, and we learned that their grades (which were excellent-thank goodness) would be based on the grades that they earned during the previous quarter, a small sense of relief was felt. A teachable moment was in store about doing your best, always putting forth the effort, never knowing what is going to happen, engaging even when you felt reluctant, consequences for your actions, etc. Interestingly enough what I thought to be a teachable moment for my children, was in fact a teachable moment for myself. The lessons were not new concepts to me, they were now, just more prevalent to me because of the situation that we found ourselves in during the COVID19 pandemic. Soon thereafter, I began to take heed to at least one of those lessons and started taking the time that had been given to us and letting it unveil itself organically. This in turn lead to great conversations with my children, such as conversations pertaining to the uncertainty of the moment and much more. Taking heed to the lesson, allowed me to take stock in the blessings that surrounded me. I no longer needed to create the type of structure that was necessary when my children were both in the toddler and infant stages together, as they were now in the teen and preteen stage.
As we meandered through the spring and summer, family bike rides became the raging hit, as did family walks with the dog, whereas before the walks were met with uninterested sighs and “…Do we have to?” commentary. They were both a welcomed break from all of the structure and provided something to look forward to during the uneventful summer, as we earnestly followed the COVID19 pandemic protocols.
The first day of the school year kicked off with school pictures, except holding computers instead of carrying backpacks, then off to the dining room and den they went. It was less of a learning curve this time around since most of the kinks of online learning were worked out during the spring of the previous school year. Little did I realized how much it [the school year] was going to test those lessons learned from that March 2020 teachable moment. Things seemed to go along just fine until it didn’t. Where one child thrived in the virtual environment the other met many challenges in their strongest subject area. I could not imagine having multiple children struggling at the same time. To only have one child struggling is a blessing in and of itself. My extroverted child blossomed as if in its natural environment. This proved to be quite surprising giving that the child is a tactile learner.
My introverted child initially welcomed the virtual environment because it meant not being forced to interact with other people. The virtual environment at times allowed for anonymity while being present. As time went on, it seemed that not being in the physical presence of other students and teachers was taking a toll on this otherwise stellar student. As a true traditional learner, it became plainly obvious that being relegated to a square on a screen was not as fulfilling or engaging and did not allow for the same interface with teachers to be able to develop interpersonal student /teacher relationships. The type of relationships which would normally fuel the learning process, at least for my introverted, traditional learner. I have come to realize that even as an introverted child the mere proximity of others, still feed the social appetite.
It was evident that I needed to reevaluate and adjust my style of parenting in order to keep this introverted child motivated, focused, engaged and encouraged. Relying on the past was no longer working.
I began to ponder, if at times I have felt a little out of control given certain situations, could it be that perhaps they too, were feeling a little out of control given the current situation? Is not having control even a factor in what was going on? I don’t know. I was curious to see if I changed course and presented them with the opportunity to take some control of their situation, schedule, or how much time they would allot themselves and I acted more as a facilitator, would they feel as if they had more control? If I allowed them to develop a plan of their own, might that somehow create their own type of structure to feel secure within? Would this allow them to feel more in control? At this point, I believed that trying something different could not hurt, it might even enhance their growth. Perhaps, ease some of the challenges that were surrounding this new learning environment and even help to shape that resilient characteristic known of military children.
I am not certain of the final outcome, but for the short duration that I have made these adjustments, the situation surrounding the challenges of this new learning environment seem to have a bright beacon of light peering through. The response to the adjustments thus far, have been nothing short of positive, acceptance, and maybe a little buy in. I have even observed a hint of motivation and confidence beginning to emerge again in that introverted child. Both of which, were once so strongly present pre-pandemic and at the beginning of this school year.
If nothing else, I am certain that during this time we as individuals, and as families have learned many lessons, partially because we were forced to slowed down and take a pause.
What I’ve learned during this time is to lean into what you know about your children, lean into what you know about yourself. I have learned to take heed to some of those life lessons that we try to expose our children to, because sometimes those lessons are still applicable to us as parents. Be willing to accept when you don’t know best and when it is time to try something new or different. Learning to manage my expectation of what structure “is” and how to achieve it has allowed me to grow. I’ve also learned to take a moment to survey the environment or situation and question how it affects others before ultimately springing into action. Just as our children are growing through different stages of their lives, our parenting skills and styles should evolve to adapt. Finally, and just as important we should allow ourselves some grace to grow as well.